Introduction: The trend today is to turn to the latest book on the market or to a peer for childrearing ideas. Books and peers offer help usually based on personal experience. Some of that information is indeed helpful on the practical level. While these authors and friends are very well-meaning, the real need for today is to filter everything through God’s Word. My trust in God is bolstered by the confidence that I gain through an understanding of God’s commandments and admonitions concerning this very difficult task of parenting.
What do we know for sure?
It is on the basis of God’s grace if any spiritual work is done in our children’s hearts.
AND—We are not the Holy Spirit.
AND—There is no spiritual work that we can DO in our children’s hearts.
AND—We cannot “force” spiritual decisions upon our children.
AND—We cannot pre-determine how our children will “turn out.”
AND—We cannot dictate to God that if we do such and such that He must have our children live for Him. This is not “Let’s Make a Deal!”
AND—We cannot make our children love God, but we can model love for God.
AND—We cannot make them relational people, but we can model relational living—life touching life, loving fellow believers especially in our church bodies, and sacrificing for others.
AND—We cannot expect our children to pray if we’re not, to walk with God if we’re not, and to love God if we don’t demonstrate that love in reality.
AND—We must pray fervently for our children that their selfish bent and willfulness will be broken.
AND—We must walk the walk and talk the talk to demonstrate a genuine, authentic, and honest love for God that works itself out by faith in my daily living.
So, where does that leave me?
These statements do not, however, exempt parents from obeying the principles and the commandments of the Bible. We must remember that we are all broken. However, God has entrusted these children to our care, our rearing of them, our decision-making.
KEY THOUGHT: We all need to change our thinking. This is not about the children. This is about you and me. Are we examining the Bible admonitions set forth in His Word about parenting? None of us “turns out good or bad.” We all rebel every day to one degree or another. The gospel calls all of us back from rebellion to the God of the gospel. Yes, we are all broken; however, we are recipients of God’s grace, and we live that grace in front of our children by our humble leadership and our love for God.
KEY THOUGHT: We should not act as if “good” kids no longer sin. Their life story is not fully written. The Bible does not speak of “good” children. The Bible says, “A wise child brings joy to a father” (Proverbs 10:1 NLT). Our influence as we obey God’s Word can steer our children to make wise decisions. We also want them to humble themselves before God as we graciously confront them in their rebellion. And if they become Christians, their wise decisions coupled with knowing God will lead them as they live for God.
Some may say, “It’s only the grace of God how your children turn out.” We agree. Everything good that we experience in life is based on the grace of God. It’s the grace of God that we have a car; it’s the grace of God that I am breathing; it’s the grace of God that I have a comfortable bed. I may say “it’s the grace of God that we had spaghetti today.” But someone had to boil the noodles, cook the meat, heat up the sauce, and set the table. By God’s grace, He supplied the ingredients to enable us to cook the food and to bring the food to the table. God’s grace invites my participation. God’s grace in giving me a son or daughter invites my participation in the parenting of those gracious gifts. I cannot use an excuse of “it’s only. . .” to abandon the effort to focus on God’s Word in order to act in authority over my children. We cannot determine the outcome of our children’s lives, but we can most certainly influence that outcome by obedience to God’s Word. If we use the excuse “It’s only the grace of God how my children turn out” without any desire to accept God’s invitation to godly parenting, then we have missed the point. Many parents use this excuse for these reasons: (1) they can then blame others for the rebellion in their children’s lives, OR (2) they can easily ignore mandates in the Bible because grace will trump examination and obedience to what IS there in the Word, OR (3) they can blame God for his lack of grace in their lives because something went wrong in their opinion.
What are some Biblical examples of what we are saying at this point?
Let’s look at I Samuel 3:13 to emphasize our point with a negative example:
Does God’s Word say,
“Eli’s sons made themselves vile because the grace of God was not manifested to Eli”?
OR
“Eli’s sons made themselves vile because their friends were a bad influence”?
OR
“Eli’s sons made themselves vile because they attended public school”?
OR
“Eli’s sons made themselves vile because Christian adults were mean to them”?
No, God said the following:
“Eli’s sons made themselves vile because he [Eli] restrained them not.” The point here is that Eli did have an opportunity to influence his sons, but he chose not to do so. He allowed them to go onto their own foolish path. He could have instructed them in wisdom. God is saying to Eli that he should have intervened to influence the outcome, regardless of the outcome.
Let’s look at the life of David for another negative example:
When David heard about sinful behavior that was taking place in his house, he did not address it. Amnon raped Tara. As a result, Absalom was angry at Amnon and at David. But David did nothing. He did not speak to them. He did not bring consequences on Amnon. He did not bring the family together and deal with it. He did nothing.
The result was that Absalom stewed over these events until he decided to plan Amnon’s murder. The extended result was Absalom’s bitterness and rebellion against David in the kingdom. We do not know what would have been different if David had taken on the responsibility as given to him by God. Maybe the result would have been the same, but the difference is God would not have held David responsible for the sin in his own household. David felt this pain as he responded to how others treated him during his exile. He saw God’s hand in it all.
So, how can it be shown that we may influence our children’s decision-making in the future?
Are there more biblical examples to look at? Yes. Here are few positive examples:
II Timothy 1:5—“ I remember your genuine faith, for you share the faith that first filled your grandmother Lois and your mother, Eunice. And I know that same faith continues strong in you” (NLT)
Proverbs 29:15—“ To discipline a child produces wisdom.” (NLT)
Hebrews 12—“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever?”
The emphasis in this verse parallels the actions of our Heavenly Father. When we look at this passage, we see the parallel between God’s loving work with his children and our loving work with our own. Notice the different words that the writer uses in order to express what a loving God is like. He uses the words Discipline, Reproof, Chastise: God disciplines us. He reproves us. He even brings great pain (chastisement is the word for the whipping of Jesus). Finally, God may bring us home early. You see, God does not remove his child and put him in a corner. God does more and more to turn His child back to Himself, including bringing the child to His side. Rather than grounding children and sticking them in a room, parents should keep their children close to their side in cases of great concern in the child’s life.
So, what are we saying further?
We must obey the commandments of God’s Word to influence our children unto godly choices no matter the outcome. However, nothing is guaranteed because once again, this is not ultimately about how children “turn out.” This is all about our accepting the role of parenting as defined by God. We love God and are not “making a deal with God.”
Deal=If I obey, then God is obligated to make my child “good.”
No, we must change our thinking. We obey because we love Him, and we acknowledge the role of parenting as defined by God. “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” What can I really sink my teeth into as a parent needing guidance?
What does the Bible say about influencing my child’s life?
KEY THOUGHT: A child who daily observes examples of imperfect parents or guardians who love God will have to choose unwisely against what he or she clearly knows because we the parents have endeavored out of love for God to obey Him when He says something in His Word. Parents are not accountable for the choices that a child ultimately makes in life. Remember, this is not about the child. This is about our obedience to God and His Word which will influence that child but not determine his or her ultimate choices in life.
In this section, let’s look at the passage from the Bible, then the meaning, and then the matter of obedience (The passages from the proverbs are helpful because they are truths for life—they are not promises, but general maxims.):
Scripture: Proverbs 13:24 “Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.”
- Meaning: Refusal to discipline children brings a parent’s love into question. The methodology will vary in every home, but discipline must be a part of the equation.
- Obedience: I must exercise a form of discipline with my child in order to influence their sinful will, endeavoring to turn that will back to God.
Scripture: Proverbs 19:18 “Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives.”
- Meaning: An imperative–you must discipline your children.
- Obedience: To neglect this truth will contribute to the child’s demise.
Scripture: Proverbs 22:15 “A youngster’s heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away.”
- Meaning: Children tend toward foolish decisions, so they need some form of discipline to drive foolishness away to make room for wisdom.
- Obedience: I must faithfully confront the foolishness that dominates my child’s life.
Scripture: Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction . . . from the Lord.”
- Meaning: In the nurturing of the children, we have a responsibility to both correct and to instruct, guided by the Word of God.
- Obedience: I cannot neglect either part of this parental equation: to correct and to instruct.
Scripture: Colossians 3:20a “Children, always obey your parents, for this pleases the Lord.”
- Meaning: Disobedience is considered rebellion against parents, and it displeases God.
- Obedience: I must address every act of rebellion in my children’s lives. If I allow the disobedience in my child’s life to go unchecked, I am displeasing God as well.
Some Acts of Rebellion in the Lives of Typical Children:
Verbal Temper Tantrum
Physical Temper Tantrum
Strike or bite a sibling or friend
Destruction to possessions or other people’s property
Breaking something on purpose
Raising an eyebrow, sighing, frowning, looking away in defiance
Showing distaste for our instructions
Saying, “No!” regardless of tone
Throwing food on the floor
Arching a back when on the diaper table
Banging a spoon in anger
Wanting one’s own way no matter what
Demanding candy or a toy in the store
Spitting out food
Pushing food away and shaking a head, “No”
Fighting over a seat in the car
Having a meltdown
Fighting with siblings
Won’t look at you when you talk to them
Shyness when told to greet someone
Not staying in bed at night
Insisting on sleeping with Mom and Dad
Refusing to nap/rest
Wanting their own way in the clothes that they wear
Scripture: Hebrews 12:6 “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”
- Meaning: The natural parallel is the assumption that every parent absolutely administers discipline, literally “child training.”
- Obedience: What parent or guardian is he/she who defers this responsibility? It cannot be so.
What are the questions that must be addressed in this discussion?
Question: What if I feel like I’ve obeyed God’s Word fully and my child still makes poor life choices?
Response: Remember, this topic is not about the “results.” This discussion is about my obedience to God’s Word. Drop to your knees and beseech the Lord on behalf of your child, leaving him/her to the chastening hand of our God.
Question: What if I live as a single, Christian mom or live in a divided home—I’m saved, and he’s not?
Response: You have an obligation to obey God’s Word and have as much influence as you possibly can. If your spouse absolutely forbids you to influence the children in a godly way, get on your knees and intensely and fervently pray for a change in the heart of your spouse. You may try to seek a biblical counselor to help you to work through the practical issues of a divided home.
Question: Should I feel guilty if I look back on my past with regrets regarding the way I reared my children in anger and frustration?
Response: Ask for their forgiveness in your lack of restraint in their lives when they were younger, and pray for them fervently. You must also go before the Lord to clear your conscience by asking His forgiveness. A humble parent-heart before children of any age influences them to go to God for repentance themselves. This action of humble repentance and forgiveness reflects the gospel with our children. They get to see the work of Christ in our hearts.
Question: How do I evaluate my progress and/or attempts at child training?
Response: Objectively review your parenting regularly. Have an accountability partner ask you questions about an area in which you are weak. Sometimes we are blind to our own inconsistencies.
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- Do I tend to be harsh and not gracious in my discipline?
- Do I tend to be lenient and not consistent in my discipline?
- Do I overlook a certain tendency or rebellious trait in one child while addressing it in others? Am I sure that I do not show favoritism?
- Was there a period of time that I relaxed in my attention to my child training?
- Do I have to retrace my steps with one or more of my children to ask their forgiveness?
- Have I disciplined in anger and thus caused frustrations in my child?
- Have I trained them so inconsistently that they don’t know what to expect?
Question: Isn’t corporal punishment child abuse?
Response: God would never ask us to do something that would inflict physical wounds on our children. We have authorities in our government who inflict correction for society’s good. In the same way, parents inflict “those stings” and give correction to guard and to protect children from their own foolish ways. After “stings” must come hugs and kisses to show our love. Verbal correction may work most of the time, but sometimes a form of corporal punishment in love may avert danger to the child or may prevent the child’s harming self or others. The Proverbs word for rod is a flexible branch that brings a sting, not a hard, inflexible instrument that would bring a wound.
Question: Why am I inconsistent in the discipline of my children? And what does inconsistency do?
Response: The parent who does not correct his or her child, loves self more than the child. This is ultimately our greatest struggle as a parent. We love ourselves and want our time, our TV, our meals, our trips, our fun, and these should not be interrupted by toddlers or their troubles or their rebellion. We will appease them in any way possible in order to care for ourselves. We feel pity for ourselves and the work it takes to train up a child. We have to interrupt our shopping, our meal, our conversation with visiting friends, our TV, our game, interrupting our life for these years of training that come and go very quickly.
Question: When should I turn to a doctor for help in dealing with my child’s behavior?
Response: Speaking as certified counselors, we will share our thoughts from our studies.
In short, before we discuss the need for you to turn to a doctor, we must address one issue first. You may have to change your instructions to your child, but NOT your expectations no matter what physical/behavioral problem you face. Remember, behavior comes from the heart even though shaped by their individual experiences, bents, physical limitations.
- Behavior will not be controlled by a doctor’s orders, drugs, or secular means.
- As a child responds to his or her circumstances, the child’s heart is revealed.
Illustration: A deaf child could not speak words of defiance, but he slammed his hands down using ASL to express anger and rebellion. He still needs loving discipline and correction.
Illustration: A child diagnosed on the autism spectrum will struggle because of developmental delays, but we still need to expect their obedience despite their limitations. This is where the sinful parent will struggle to be persistent and consistent longer than the parent of a “normal” child. Every child needs repetition to learn what is foolish. An autistic child still needs that repetition, but over a longer period of time.
- If a child has mental deficiencies that retard his or her ability to comprehend my instructions, then I must adjust my instructions to his or her mental abilities. But this is true of any child. I adjust my expectations and instructions according to growth and maturity. This explains obedience. In other words, a little child who cannot communicate words, clearly shows his/her understanding of yes/no.
- Finally, the specialist will help me to understand what my child’s limitation in understanding and in development are. But the Bible sets the expectations regarding obedience. Rebellion is from the heart and not from the brain.
Illustration: My friend’s autistic son was hitting other children in the day care. Because the specialist helped her to know her son’s lack of understanding that he was causing pain to someone else, she then coupled that weakness with her understanding of biblical expectations of obedience and of being kind to one another. She had to work twice as hard and long at getting him to stop the hitting and to learn what kindness looks like.
Question: Is it ever too late to begin obeying God’s Word in the area of child training?
Response: It is never too late to begin to be consistent and persistent in the realm of child rearing. By consistent, we mean responding as often as possible in the same pattern to similar situations in the child’s life. By persistent, we mean maintaining the pattern over the long haul.
Question: Is there hope for a rebellious teen?
Response: The Gospel always offers hope. We do have a booklet that we can recommend. Click here.
What are some common excuses not to obey God’s commandments regarding child training?
We blame the world around us.
We blame the ungodly Christian classmates or junior church kids.
We blame their personalities: “She’s a follower.”
We blame wrong done to our child by his teacher, leader, preacher, relative or sibling.
We excuse their sins because others don’t “understand my child.”
We blame God—it is God’s grace; since God’s grace did not extend to me, He is not good.
We blame their physical condition or mental abilities. Is this not also blaming God?
We blame their strong will which is “harder to tame than my neighbor’s child’s will.”
We blame the fact that we did not know what to do, or we blame our parents’ bad example.
These excuses are common, but they are not biblical or justifiable. Do you hear yourself in any of these excuses. It’s never too late to change.
Conclusion
We will stand before God to give an account for our faithfulness and our obedience regarding His Word as it reveals truths for parenting. We have an opportunity to influence our children, not to determine the outcome. We have, however, been given the authority by God to parent our children, so we must.
I Corinthians 4:2 “Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful.”