Is Someone’s Jealousy Hurting You?

“Anger [rage, hostility, vexation] is cruel, and fury [violent anger, uncontrolled temper] [is] overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?” Proverbs 27:4

Being the victim of someone’s jealousy can take many different forms:

Have you ever been drawn into a jealousy debacle that you did not choose to be a part of but wish to be freed from? We have.

Have you wondered about the constant condemnation from a family member or friend? We have.

Have you been mystified about someone’s trying to “one-up” you all the time? We have.

In your efforts to please, have you been crushed under the weight of someone’s constant lack of gratitude? We have.

Why does someone use “joking” to criticize you and to hurt you? We have been the brunt of “joking.”

These questions are many times answered because you are experiencing the outrageous hurt of someone’s jealousy. Let’s look to scripture for some examples of others who were deeply affected by jealousy.

First, I Samuel 18 gives us a story of Saul and David.  The people responded to David’s success as a general of the armies of Israel: “Saul has slain his thousands; David has slain his ten thousands.”  Unfortunately, Saul could have enjoyed David’s success and could have benefited from David’s integrity as a leader. But instead, Saul became insanely jealous of David and did not trust David.  Saul then plotted ways to hurt David in order to bring him down. Initially, Saul was not trying to eliminate David, but progressively his jealousy drove him to constantly focus on the destruction of David. In Saul’s jealous pursuit, he lost David as a general, and he lost the admiration of his people.

What did jealousy look like in this story?  The goal was to hurt David; Saul did not trust him; Saul did not like him; Saul did not allow his son and others to befriend David; eventually jealousy skewed Saul’s view of David, thinking David would take over the kingdom.  Jealousy messes with the mind, making its focus the demise of another person. Jealousy drove Saul to a desire to murder David.

Second, Genesis 37 and following share the story of Joseph.  He was the object of jealousy. Let’s review the story: Because Jacob’s sons were jealous of their father’s favoritism for Joseph exacerbated by Joseph’s explanation of his dream, Joseph’s brothers threw him in a pit, intending to end his life. Joseph traveled to Egypt in chains, and he ended his journey as a slave.  How Joseph responded to this jealousy marks his story as unique, special, and God-honoring.  But we will come back to this story later.

What did jealousy look like in this story? Several brothers came to the point of wanting to murder their brother; family members suffered greatly at the perceived loss of a son; Joseph suffered over many years because of jealousy.

What else does the Bible say about jealousy? Let’s be honest about the evil nature of jealousy.

Job 5:2, Jealousy slays the fool.

Proverbs 6:34, A jealous husband will take revenge.

Proverbs 14:30, Jealousy is like cancer in the bones.

Matthew 20:15,  When God is generous to some, others become jealous.

Romans 13:13, Don’t participate in wild parties and drunkenness, or in sexual promiscuity and immoral living, or in quarreling and jealousy.

2 Corinthians 12:20, Paul is afraid that he will find quarreling, jealousy, anger, selfishness, slander, gossip, arrogance, and disorderly behavior in the church.

Galatians 5:20, Jealousy is one of the works of the flesh.

Let’s give you a solid, biblical idea of what drives jealousy:

Jealousy is rooted in a desire for what I don’t have. It is sourced in a desire for what others do have. It smells of control. “I must have this kind of car, house, or family.” Jealousy is linked to fear, selfishness, self-love, and self-pity. Jealousy lacks joy in the success of others. Jealousy lacks satisfaction in God. It is often driven by what I think I deserve and what I must have or else. Thinking that something else will bring satisfaction or pleasure or happiness besides what God has given us will take us down the road of jealousy. It is also related to covetousness. But jealousy takes covetousness to a new level, desiring harm or hurt or sadness upon the object of jealousy. Jealousy has an innate suspicion of others and lack of trust in people and God. Jealousy promotes rivalry as well as a worldly, success-orientation. Jealousy has a skewed view of advantages and disadvantages in life  (Ps. 37 and 73).

Strategies to handle jealousy biblically as we have seen the power of jealousy in the Bible and in Bible verses:

~~Strategy for the Offender

Recognize jealousy as a grievous sin that God hates; confess the sin of jealousy; forsake jealousy; see jealousy as the great evil that it is in its destruction; see your idolatry for the things the other person has or does. Now seek reconciliation with the person(s).

1. This reconciliation may involve clearing the person’s name in order to make things right.
2. You must see the power of jealousy in your life and the way it corrupts you and your relationships.
3. If necessary, read the passages that describe jealousy. Meditate on these words and passages. Let them sink into your heart and soul. Allow God the Spirit to convict and to bring you to confession.
4. It is good to share this process with others in Christ so that they can pray that the evil one, the destroyer, will not get a foothold in your heart.
5. Meditate on the goodness of God in the gospel. We deserve nothing but hell. Find great joy and contentment (something that jealousy fights against all day long) in Christ and His gift of life and a relationship with the God of all eternity.

~~Strategy for the Offended in Various Situations

1. When you experience public, hurtful, humiliating comments or actions, you need to address these in the moment. Allowing the offender to say or to do cruel things without addressing the offense humbly is not a biblical strategy.  Sin must be addressed.  For example, someone humiliated my wife in front of relatives.  I spoke up immediately to tell them that such things are cruel and unnecessary.
2. When someone is jealous of you, and you have been drawn into their world of competition or comparison, you feel like the jealous whirlwind has trapped you. Maybe it is a competitive co-worker; maybe it is a jealous relative; maybe it is someone who simply chooses to irritate you with jealous actions. You want to escape from the jealousy trap that you never intended to enter.  How? Move on, ignoring the source of jealous competition.  For example, if you have someone competing with you on Facebook, then you may have to block that person. Or if a relative makes it evident that jealousy drives him or her, be kind always, but do not let the jealousy ruin your life or cause you to be upset. You may have to distance yourself.  Remember, the goal is not unity with others; the goal is pleasing God with godliness.
3. When you have confronted someone about their public humiliation or their jealous competition, yet there is no repentance, what do you do then?  These jealousy situations may happen miles away or next door. They may happen with unbelievers, believers, those inside the church, and those outside the church. These categories define how you move forward. Only those within your body of believers can you particularly pursue in love and discipleship to reconcile to see them change within the local body of Christ.  Apply all of the scriptures regarding discipleship and discipline in the local church.  These truths are the path to reconciliation biblically. Don’t ignore the situation, hoping it will go away.
4. What about those outside of the local body of Christ, the local church? This is the hardest category to deal with because we want this jealous trap to go away.  We cannot “fix this.” So in wisdom, kindness, and in the mercy that Christ demonstrated, some people may have to be confronted humbly, or some others may have to be ignored.

Finally, remember these truths:

I Corinthians 13:4-7, Jealousy is the antithesis of love and its characteristics. And we are commanded to love God and others.

Remember, “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him”  (John Piper). What a great strategy for fighting off jealousy!   

Think with us: If preachers that were contemporaries of Paul spoke out of rivalry, selfish ambition, seeking to hurt Paul who was in prison, hoping to add affliction to his bonds, then is it any surprise that we, too, will be the victims of jealousy at times? (Philippians 1). Paul’s response is this: he was confident that the Gospel was being advanced and that Christ was proclaimed and therein Paul rejoiced despite the vehement treatment from other “preachers.”  So, you cannot “fix others” in their jealous mess; you can rejoice that Christ is proclaimed, and you can be confident in the power of the Gospel.